


Mr. Smith x2

by Jeageractive



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Erwin is severely abused by his baes, Eventual EreRi, M/M, This is supposed to be funny, With all due respect to Eruri, doing venomous jealous husband things, jealous husbands, not a threesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-02-25 02:06:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2604629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeageractive/pseuds/Jeageractive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They've come to an agreement. Erwin can marry two, so long as they don't meet (for the sake of his sanity), so long as he splits his life evenly in half.</p><p>Naturally, circumstance does it that they not only meet; but live under one roof. With Erwin. As he gradually and expectedly does begin losing his sanity.</p><p>(DISCONTINUED)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> uhm. I don't write a lot of Erwin so this is going to be pretty shitty, I'm sorry.
> 
> *also can we please pretend that polygamy/polygyny is legal in the U.S please

His life looked like a common magazine cover, where he lay back with no shirt and killer abs as his two bitches sandwiched him from either side, looking strangely content for two fighters that produced enough venom to kill a continent with mere glares.

What his life was _really_ like was paranoia on a daily basis, because he knows Eren goes through his phone when he's taking a shower, he knows Levi's been looking through his text history again. He knows because as soon as he steps out of the goddamn shower, he has five seconds to dodge a plate or a vase or the phone he bought yesterday (because of a similar occurrence), or something of the sorts. 

They've agreed to keep the other side of his life non existent. When he was with Levi, there was no Eren, and vice versa.

So he'd trail after them with innocent,"Baby, what's wrong?", dodge another fatal object, and find a way to calm them down so he doesn't get murdered in is sleep.

They didn't help. At all. Eren intentionally sends him god awful texts. Levi intentionally takes photos that he knows will trigger a certain somebody. The indirect exchanges continue in a burning war underneath ashes, while he has to maturely try to deal with it.

Being the one who essentially has laid out the highest standards of sex god modelling, and just a general blue eyed, fair skinned 6'2 American beauty, he had to pin perfection to his public image. And so far, Erwin Smith has a relatively positive ring to it.

Except, no one seems to want to realize his greatest virtue. Just how much patience he possesses.

Because marrying two needs patience. And mental stability. And deft 'clearing the crime scene' skills. Especially when one is an ill tempered twenty two year old with a mad, inexhaustable libido, the other a thirty year old with a crude sense of humor that involved toiletries 95 percent of the time, petite sexy man with undetermined OCD amongst other disorders. 

And then there was Erwin. The lucky guy with two utter babes. Who somehow regrets every life decision he's previously made and doesn't at the exact same time. Who should get a Nobel peace prize for suppressing both parties from each other's throats for this long.

Who should've seen _that_ day coming.

Sometimes he forgets where he slept last night, with Eren or Levi, fucks up and murmurs the wrong name, and gets kneed where it was bound to hurt and reduce the production of offspring. No, scratch that; _nullify_ the production of offspring. Luck does it and he mumbles a tentative, "Levi," Sighs in relief when he gets a grunt in return. Eren was a lot more pleasant in the morning, to be honest.

"I can't breathe." He snaps, and Erwin hums in question."That's your cue to let me go."

"Oh." He laughs sleepily, rubs his scratchy cheek against his bare neck to purposefully irritate him and wake him up. 

He hisses something under his breath, topples out of bed."Shave. _Now_."

"Breakfast first?"

"You won't eat a thing if ya don't."

"Aye, aye cap'n." He rolls on his back, listens to the tap running, vigorous teeth brushing. Deeming it safe enough, he blindy pats around his dresser for his phone. He finds a million some texts practically overflowing, and he sends a simple, 'morning, babe' before getting out of bed himself.

Luckily, he had no work today, thanks to sudden and severe technical difficulties in the studio, so it was wordlessly announced watching Levi clean, criticizing each other on the couch while cuddling day. He needed lazy days to balance out wild nights. Not that he was complaining. 

After watching Levi mop the kitchen floors about five times, and got caught texting, he dragged Levi back to the couch for cuddle time. Because he was a sucker for cuddling, and his phone was on top of the fridge, which meant 'if you talk to that motherfucker in my presence I will tie you both to a chair and set fire to you instantaneously'. So he didn't. Because he did fear for his life.

It was almost laughable just how much his two houses opposed each other, and it might seem that he'd enjoy being around the younger more often, but he felt like he was doing a considerably fair job of evening out. Evening out to his heart's content, because he loved them both for different reasons and either of their flaws could easily be overlooked. Levi didn't like to pour his heart out like Eren, his demeanor might also be a bit unpleasant, but Erwin always found himself bickering with the younger about the dumbest things because Eren naturally threw a tantrums and had a temper from the seventh hell.

That day, he faced his most severe wrath.

After his texts went unanwswered, he called. And Levi pointedly got up, punched the 'end call' button, and tossed his phone back on top of the fridge.

Eren called about fifteen times.

Levi wasn't one to relent.

The sixteenth, Erwin had had it."Levi, please. He wouldn't call so much if something wasn't up."

" _No_."

He had to physically restrain him from getting up again, and had thirty seconds to talk on the phone."He-" 

"Where the _fuck_ were you?!"

"I--I'm--" Levi eyed him suspiciously, Eren didn't let him get a word out.

"I wasn't dialing your goddamn number for the past hour to piss him, you tell him that. He can go _fuck_ himself."

"Ere--"

"No, turn on the fucking speaker and let him hear!"

Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose and paced the kitchen. "So wh--"

"You know what's been going on while you spent your fine time ignoring my fucking calls while I sat out her and told them 'my fucking husband is coming, just wait'. Huh? Do you?"

"I--"

"Of course you don't. You better get your ass over here right this fucking instant."

"What is it, why are you--"

"I'm upset because my fucking building has burned down to ashes and I've been out in the cold in my boxers waiting for his highness to give you permission to answer me for the past fucking _hour_. But you didn't, so why the fuck would I be upset?"

Eren hung up before he can answer.

"What's wrong with the princess?"

"His apartment's been on fire, apparently." Erwin was glad Levi didn't protest when he headed out. 

Sure enough, the place was a wreck, and he could barely drive past the crowd of firetrucks and police cars. He found Eren standing aside with a blanket around his shoulders, in his Pikachu boxers and an oversized teal shirt that was definitely Erwin's. The look on his face, though. Erwin made a small prayer before making a beeline towards him.

Eren was idly tapping his phone against his thigh as he continued burning holes in the grass, practically unfazed in the smoke and ruckus.

Then he saw him.

"What're you doing here, huh?" 

Erwin cringed.

"I'm serious." He stomps over to him."Everything's done and well. The fire's out, my ass is a block of ice, and my apartment's a pile of bird shit. _What_ are you doing here?"

"Eren, baby, I know you're angry--"

" _Angry_?" He crosses his arms over his chest."Why the fuck would I be angry?"

"I forgot my phone in my car, I'm sorry." He didn't have enough time to come up with a good lie, give him a break.

"Yeah, so you go to your car at nine in the morning to send me greetings and leave it there, huh?"

He sighs in defeat, wipes a thing of grime from his cheek."You're not hurt, are you?"

Eren spreads his arms out in a 'see for yourself' manner. After a round of wrestling, he manages to wrap his arms around him and his rage slowly subdues."Come on."

"Where?" Eren says, tone suspicious as he moves back.

"My car, calm down." Erwin rolls his eyes, and Eren follows."You're wearing flip flops."

"Courtesy of you, fucker." Erwin laughs a bit, and Eren sinks into the warmth of the car, huffs tiredly.

Erwins sits behind the wheel, drums his fingers against it in thought.

"So?" Eren mumbled.

"So. How do we work this out?"

"Work what out?"

"I'm debating the success rate of taking you back home."

" _What_?" he jumps into a sitting position."Like hell you're going to take me there."

"That's the only--"

"What do you mean? I'd rather camp by home till they build it again then endure--"

"I can't put you in a hotel or something. Just a for a few days--I'll try to find a closer apartment this time. Furnishing might take a while."

"Please no." He's practically begging as they pull out of their parked spot.

"Just a few days."

"At least let me get something to wear, I'm _not_ giving him the satisfaction of the first laugh."

"I'll stop by a mall or something." Perhaps what he had to reconsider weren't all his previous life choices, but that decision right there. _He_ decided they'd live together. He signed his own death wish. 

Realizing that Levi wouldn't appreciate a surprise, he rung the said raven up as Eren fitted something on. 

"How is it?" Eren asks as he fixes the cuff of a black button up, and Erwin nods.

"Not bad."

"Erwiiin."

"I'm serious. Why would you care anyway? You're gorgeous in whatever you put on."

"I have to look _professional_ , not gorgeous." He pouts a bit as he continued shirt surfing, fitting in a dark pair of jeans that Erwin's eyes keep trailing back after.

Levi finally picks up."Hey."

"Hey yourself. We're coming in a few minutes."

" _We're_ coming?" Levi parrots incredulously.

"Yes, Levi, I'm not leaving him out on the streets."

"You didn't."

"Please. You're the mature one. Save me the headache."

"Fuck you."

"I love you too."

"Fucking _fuck_ you." Eren was giving him a subtle look.

"Okay. Okay. Be there in a few." He ended the call and made his way over to the brunet."Still haven't decided yet?"

"Should I just go with the black one?"

"Black is professional. " Erwin hums.

"Fine."

-

Erwin is always reconsidering. So he reconsiders on the drive back. As Eren smooths out his shirt and puts on a preparation for battle expression. As he stands in front of the front door with a minute to change his mind and save himself.

The door unlocks with a click, swings open. He watches them size each other up, Levi leaning against the door frame and letting his eyes drift in disinterest over his unworthy rival.

Eren's lips thin as he evaluated the short man in front of him, eyes narrowing as they flitted towards Erwin questioningly.

They both wordlessly conveyed a baffled ' _him_?' to Erwin with mere looks. Levi finally looks the younger dead in the eye again."Why hello there."

"Hello indeed."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sweet voice competitions, cooking competitions, overtaking Erwin's heart for a day competitions.
> 
> Erwin is getting so much love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why the fuck can't I write 'moan' in it's proper context, thanks to y'all smut writers.

Before the air could crackle and thunder can fall out of the goddamn sky at their command, Erwin sends a pleading gaze Levi's way and steers Eren inside from the shoulders."Alright, then. I'll just...show you around a bit." He was glad when Levi silently took a seat in the living room and pretended to be immersed in his phone, when Eren hummed and inspected everything closely. He showed him everything from A-Z, the forbidden Levi bathroom that was Levi's only. 

He simply nodded at the spare bedroom that was now his, flopping face first into clean bed sheets and moaning in dramatized agony."I can't believe this. I have absolutely nothing on me right now."

Erwin only half read the text Mike sent him."Do you know what started the fire?"

"My upstairs neighbor, probably. Swear to god that guy's a pyromaniac." 

Erwin took a seat on the edge of the bed, pressed a relieved kiss to his cheek."You're safe is all that matters."

"Awww." Eren grinned, throwing his arms around his neck and and pulling him to lay down beside him. Erwin smiled in amusement when the brunet started playing with his hair, messing up the perfect way it brushed to the side."Hmm. I think you look better with some loose strands of hair here and there."

"No one will take me seriously."

"Pfft."

"I'll take you shopping tomorrow. You can borrow my clothes, for now." He hummed, adding as an afterthought."Levi's would probably fit you better."

"I ain't his charity case." Eren sniffs haughtily, sitting up and unbuttoning his shirt quickly. Erwin massaged his temples when he got out of his clothes and strolled around in his Pikachu boxers again."How old is your vertically challenged bae?" He murmured as he looked around his own bathroom.

"That won't do, Eren. You must coexist."

"I can tick off the amount of people I've coexisted with on my fingers. I'll be back in a second." He casually stepped into the bedroom across from his, and Erwin watched the hallway and prayed to whatever god that Levi wouldn't make an appearance in this specific fine time.

A few agonizing minutes later, Eren came back inside a shirt strangely fitting snug over him, a pair of sweatpants slung on a shoulder. He finally picked up the collar and sniffed."This isn't your cologne."

Before Erwin could explain, a horrified expression settled on his face, and he one eighty-degreed it back to their bedroom."Gr _oss_."

Erwin inwardly mourned his lament.

Eren can back with a satisfied smile. 

"I have to leave right now, but I'm not sure who in his right mind would let you two stay in here unsupervised."

"Leave?" Eren dropped down beside him on the bed and clung onto him like the drama queen he was, and Erwin could almost feel the physical pout buried in his shoulder."Not today, pleaaase. I'm homesick, and I don't even have my goddamn Pooh teddy."

"I'll get you one on my way back."

"Staay with meee." Eren sang, and Erwin ruffled his hair with a snicker before prying him off.

"I'll be back soon. Please don't sass Levi, he doesn't like sass."

"I will sass whoever the hell I want." He says.

"Eren, please." Erwin sighs and picks up his jacket again, makes up a good argument in his head for the fuming one downstairs."Be nice."

"You tell _him_ that."

"I will."

Eren gives him a final pleading pout before he trudges downstairs, dreading an ambush. He passes the kitchen, barely makes it one foothold into the living room before a hardback is sailing towards him. He limboed and narrowly missed the book that landed in a heap a small distance away. 

Levi rolled up his sleeves next, eyes darkening already.

"Honey," He ventured, taking a step forward, quickly retreating when Levi grabbed another hardback.

"Don't you fucking call me that."

"Look, I'm sorry." He raised up his hands in a useless gesture, baring his teeth and dodging the next book."You don't want Eren to think that all we do is fight, do you?"

He saw it in the small twitch of an eyebrow, a slow exhale. He placed the next book down, plopped down onto the couch and stared at his phone again.

"Don't come close." Erwin takes that step back.

"I'm going now, okay?"

"Get the fuck out."

He put some distance between them, fixed his disheveled shirt, and leaves him with another, final plea of peace.

Perhaps, choosing to go through the fucking front door and shutting it with no remorse was his biggest mistake. The house stilled, stilled like death itself as Levi stood there and contemplated his choices, as Eren sat there and contemplated his choices. Right now, for instance, was the perfect time to go pin him to the floor and give him a trademark Eren beating. Or he could go take a shit in the guy's toilet. Or steal his tooth brush and wash _his_ toilet with it, for that matter. Or maybe he could—

He narrowed his eyes in thought. Cracked his jaw in a yawn at the end."I'm starving." He stomped down the stairs in Erwin's fuzzy slippers and a 'this is my fucking husband's house' manner, scanned the place for any sign of Napoleon, and dragged himself into the kitchen in the end. After fridge and pantry browsing, he pulled out a box of Kraft dinner and purposefully clanked around for pots as loud as he could. In correspondence, the tv volume blared in ungodly volume, effectively pissing the brunet off. 

"When you're gone," He croaked in the most awful voice he could manage."The pieces of my heart are missing you~"

He swore he heard a 'fucking shitwin', grinned in accomplishment. 

Levi knew the fucker thought he couldn't see him, but from his angle on the couch all his bullshit was visible. In his Pikachu boxers and entire glory. After humming more shit under his breath, bored of waiting for the water to boil, he pulled his phone out of his (boxer?) pocket and after a few touches brought it to his ear. He fidgeted in place for a moment and Levi took the time to criticize his shitty stature, his aggravating bird nest of hair, his lanky build, shit colored skin. Were those eyes the color of fucking seaweed? What kind of a taste did Erwin have, for fuck's sake.

"Winnie." He cooed when that treacherous motherfucker picked up, eyes instantly morphing along with his disgustingly sugary tone."Nothing, I'm waiting for my food and I miss you already."

Hoe. Did. Not. Just. Fucking. 

He giggled, Levi had had absolutely enough of his shit, and he snatched his phone from the coffee table. He waited as it rung, as Eren continued spewing more bullshit. 

"What? You have another call? Kay."

Levi smirked to himself as he picked up, drawling in an unnecessary loud voice,"Steve, baby."

He watched Eren narrow his eyes, looked at his nails casually when he poked his head around the corner. He vaguely heard Erwin saying something about him forgiving him already, swallowing down something like 'fuck you, fucking fucktardic motherfucking fucker'. He could practically feel Eren's rage reaching him in heatwaves."You want me to cook something for you? When're you coming back?"

"You'll _cook_ something for me?" Erwin's voice cracked incredulously.

He ducked his head, ground his teeth together in irritation."Why not, darling?"

Static silence in which he concludes Erwin was too shocked to respond. 

"I know you like Florentine rolls, don't you?"

"Uh..." He trailed off, Levi resisted telling him to go eat shit.

"Alright, talk to you later. Enjoy your day at work, baby." He exhaled steadily as he ended the call, training himself to contain his rage. Smashing noises from the kitchen. 

Just as Levi strolled in, Eren strutted out with his mac and cheese, and Levi surveyed the kitchen and tried not to go into cardiac arrest."Oi, shitty birdnest head."

He stiffened momentarily, turned around and leaned an arm against the door frame as he chewed languidly."What."

"Clean up your fucking mess."

Eren eyed the kitchen once, rolled them and nearly flipped him off."First I'll eat, take a shower, take a shit maybe, hmm...take a nap." He tapped at his chin in thought."And then I might...come clean my _mess_."

"Good." Levi hums with a nod."So you're offering to wash my dishes as well."

Eren bristled in anger. Decided that throwing his head up and stalking upstairs again was the best solution. He downed his mac and cheese as he paced his room, crushing the plastic tasting shit under his teeth mercilessly. It took him a matter of three minutes to finish his plate, rip his clothes off and step under the shower.

Hm. Erwin wanted homemade today, did he?

He barely rinsed the shampoo out of his hair before pouncing out of the shower, throwing on Erwin's sweatpants and tying the laces at least three times so they wouldn't fall off. He ran a towel through his hair, was aware of it still dripping, and quickly strolled out.

'You want teriyaki chicken for dinner?'

Erwin took his fine time responding.'Don't trouble yourself, baby, it's already taken care of.'

Eren text screamed at him 'DO U WANT IT OR NOT'

'Yes.'

'GAWD'

He plastered a satisfied grin on his face and didn't wear a shirt, just because he wanted to see how Levi would react. 

Levi defaultly glared up at him as he deftly grated Parmesan, Eren paying him no attention as he reached for a frilly black apron and wondered what the fuck an item like this was doing there. Erwin probably forces Levi into it or something.

Levi couldn't help but inwardly punch a wall when he realized those were Erwin's favorite sweatpants hanging loosely on—on. Um. Those hips. That he definitely didn't give a second glance to, but only to confirm those were Erwin's hips—uh, sorry sweats.

He stared in horror at the half grated block in his hand and decided he needed to get baptized. How did that even slip. How did that fucking thought even _slip_?

"Do you have chicken?" Eren inquires rather _politely_ but the fucker was just being coy to have things his way.

"Freezer." Levi says stiffly, wondering what he was up to now. 

He pulled that out, ass hanging out of the fridge again."You don't have soy sauce?" 

"Pantry." Levi said with a roll of his eyes at the way he looked pleased with the slightest thing. Kid had the brain of a fish. He was glad when his space wasn't infiltrated for a long while as he prepared the dough, the greens, and the cheese, and as Eren whipped his own thing and annoyingly poked his head in every counter, nook and cranny of the kitchen. 

Eren pulled out a heavy bottomed pan, Levi pulled out a lighter one shortly after. He cracked the stovetop on.

"I was going to use that." Eren says, towering over him. Levi gives him a pointed look, telling him to move the fuck away before he kicked him where the sun don't shine."There's four more burners you could use."

"That one fits the size of my pan."

Levi slams his pan on the burner, puts a hand on his hip and stared up at Eren, demanding his next course of action. Eren gave him a dirty glare and switched a different burner on, and the tension crackled up again from there.

The rest of the cooking session turned into a show of Cutthroat Kitchen with impressive sabotages, of 'get the fuck out of my cooking space' 'I want that last onion, no we ain't splitting it in half', 'your fucking pan is fucking cracking oil into my fucking pan' 'Pass the papertowels before I slit you throat with this butcher's knife' and so forth.

Florentine rolls turned into an entire Italian meal with pasta and Tirimasu for desert, Teriyaki turned into Onigiri and Miso ramen.

The front door unlocked with a click, and Erwin was slapped in the face with the smells of unidentifiable food. Both paused mid verbal battle.

"And you're...?"

"Making dinner. _Together_." Eren says with a huge grin, and Levi turns his head the other way to mimic his shitty tone.

"That's promising."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just sitting here imagining Levi with an inner Sakura as he gets on Eren's nerves and dying.


	3. Chapter 3

Eren had to sleep under all his pillows because he couldn't _stand_ the amount of times he was hearing Erwin's name through those fucking thin walls and it was driving him absolutely crazy. Fuck this. Why did he have to know what was happening. Why. _Why_.

After hearing a particularly outraging moan he slams his pillows against a wall, jumps out of bed and rips through whatever pockets he had left for his headphones. Thankfully he'd never failed to keep them in one piece, and he jammed them into his ears and blared the phone volume at it's loudest, picking out the nearest screamo. 

He then sat in bed, grabbed a blanket and gnawed on it in frustration, deducted a few million plans to murder Levi by noon the next day. He could definitely do it the old fashioned butcher knife way. Or he could smother him with a pillow. It would be nice to flush him down the very expensive kitchen garbage disposal. You know, the one that's essentially a drain blender. And then drain Erwin in after him.

Which was really fucking pointless. 

By the time it was morning Eren was so stiff his ass nearly fell off, his head was throbbing and his ears felt like they were bleeding, and when he turned off the Skrillex shit it still pounded in his head and he instantly dropped dead asleep because he'd endured absolutely too much. He was woken up against his will.

"Oi, shitty brat."

"Five more..."

"Kicks or punches?"

"Go fuck yourself."

He registered a hum, an unpleasant ripping noise and copious amounts of light drowning the sleep right out of his eyes. He suddenly remembered last night and hauled himself out of bed murderously."The fuck do you want?" He shouts groggily, teetering. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes to make sure he lands a proper punch. 

Levi was still twinning by his window."It's one o'clock. What sort of a sleep machine are you?"

"What sort of a sex machine are you?" Eren counters irritably."Do you have to fucking scream? I couldn't sleep an hour last night."

Levi looked too pleased with himself, and Eren couldn't find it in him to do anything other than grab him by the collar and throw him to the floor. Levi was caught off guard only a second, and Eren, still a bit into sleep, was swiftly knocked off from the shorter. How he ended up with his nose digging into the scratchy carpet and a grip in his hair pinning him down was absolutely beyond him.

Levi let out an aggravating laugh."You know what's my line of work?"

"I couldn't give a flying rat's fart."

"I'm a Taekwondo instructor." He says casually, letting him go and disappearing out of his room. 

Eren lay there for another moment and contemplated that. Man, what the fuck. Talk about a disadvantage. So that's why the dude had such form. If only he could've countered that with something impressive like 'I work for NASA' or 'I'm a serial killer', but unfortunately, he was only a college student married to a celebrity. An _already_ married celebrity.

Why the fuck did he do this to himself?  

He couldn't find Erwin anywhere, remembered with a pout that they'd overcome the studio's bullshit and were going to take a few days with the new ad. He also remembered that he had school tomorrow and a huge ass paper to finish. Vaguely remembers.

Levi, of course, is washing dishes in his after sex fucking glow, looking as pleased as his type can get. Eren was so fucking done he wanted to carry out a murder plan, but now there were his martial art skills to consider. Erwin was easier to murder, frankly, and Levi's reaction would be more than satisfying.

He wasn't sure when he'd turned into such a psychopath. He pulled out cold milk, because he was weird and like plain cold milk but when there were cornflakes he became happier. He pulled out the box of cereal, tossed some flakes into his mouth, and sipped milk after. 

Levi stared at him incredulously for a good thirty seconds before putting away the last dish, wiping his hands on a towel and hanging up the black apron Eren had worn the day before. Eren would never admit that it looked better on the little dude than on him. 

After that, Levi leaned against the counter and watched him have breakfast in that odd way he was doing, and Eren stared back with half lidded eyes of irritation that were the result of a night without sex, chewed at his most comfortable pace."Like what you see?"

His lips twitch in distaste. "Were you raised under a rock?"

"I was raised under a roof."

"That's questionable."

"Leave me alone." Eren whines, brow furrowing."I wanna have breakfast the way I want to." 

"When was the last time your hair had seen a brush?"

"Can you not?" Eren says in that irritating bitchy tone."If I wanted you to start your critical analysis on me, I would have let you know."

Levi gives him one last look of disapproval before finally getting the fuck out, and Eren bangs his head against the nearest cupboard. His phone vibrates in his pocket, and he ignores Erwin resolutely. If Eren were to talk to him right now, he'd make him cry. 

After moping a long while in the kitchen, Levi comes downstairs in what Eren assumed were his outside clothes and fumbled for a minute in the living room.

"I'm leaving." He says stiffly, grabbing his keys.

Eren snorts a laugh."Have a good time, sweetie." 

"You can go fuck yourself. I'm telling you this because I expect my house to look the same when I come back."

"Please do us a favor and stand in front of a train."

"The only thing that'll be under a train when I come back is you if you contaminate a single dish and refuse to wash it."

Eren gaped in offense, Levi slams the door shut before he can retort. _He_ was going to put Eren under a train? Eren sends murderous texts to a hundred numbers in the next five minutes, of, 'y'all better come I'm throwing a party at Levi's house'

He groaned when he got a hundred texts back of 'who's Levi'

'Levi is Erwin's other bitch'

'ohhh'

'cool bro'

'so you want us to fuck up his place'

'i'm in'

'hella'

Eren grinned, his friends were so understanding. He sends them the address, tells Armin to shut up when he sends a small plea of peace, to quote 'do you not have some pity for your poor husband'.

'Sasha, you order the pizza.'

'Eren you'd better be paying'

'i'm the richest one what're you talking about'

Connie was a little shit. 'yeah guys praise the sugar daddy'

'connie you're an ass'

'asses are gold, thanks bro'

'can someone get me some firecrackers' 

Jean was such a pyromaniac.'it's all covered do you want some dynamite with that too'

Mikasa had a bit of common sense.'Eren, you just got out of a fire. Are you even serious?'

'are you offering to set Levi's ass on fire'

'Eren I'll set your ass on fire'

'okay guys come OVER HERE ALREADY' 

Eren whooped excitedly, sent some more ordering texts to cover the booze, the gaming, the stereo. It was a matter of luck now, and whoever walked in first, Erwin or Levi.

Connie, Sasha and Jean were his first partiers. "Props for the plan, dude." Connie came in with a red nose and a red beanie, Eren gave him a violent shoulder pat.

"Hey there, little bro."

Jean's explosives were all under his jacket, and Eren felt him up through his jacket with a grin."What the fuck, so gay, man, so gay."

"You don't feel anything, do you?"

"Stop it." Jean gave him a violent cheek pat, and he didn't fail to return the gesture."Congrats on making it out alive."

"Hey, Sash."

"Food's coming in a few."

"Beer?"

"Bertholdt's got it covered."

"Hell yes, this is going to be so good."

Sunday parties were never good ideas, ever, but since when were Eren's ideas ever good? His friends came in trios or partners, Mikasa and Armin last but not least. Mikasa pushed him to sit on the floor and snuggled him while whispering threats into his ear.

"You got out of the fire safe? I'm so glad." A pause."You want to blow up your house again, don't you, you moron?"

He cringed when she moved back away and grabbed his ear, Armin letting out a laugh."Brr. So cold out."

They finally started. It was just as perfectly chaotic as Eren wanted it to be. They ate and left trash everywhere, drank and left bottles everywhere, tossed a few firecrackers in Levi's dry bathtub and left holes in the curtain after they went off. Someone volunteered to paint the walls with mayonnaise and ketchup, Annie attempted to start a strip show but they were all too comfortable with each other than to do anything but make fun of each other's underwear, they stacked a pile of dishes in the sink effectively. Eren lost track of what they were doing long before he was supposed to. At some point they all just sat in a heap and laughed until they couldn't laugh anymore because they were so drunk and so high on their pranks and--

It was getting dark, Eren saw the bounce of headlights, peeked through the window and confirmed that it was Levi's car. He stumbled to turn off the lights, dropped on the floor again with a few last giggles before trying to look asleep. The rest of the gang all went limp under his command.

The front door finally clicked open. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was too much fun to write.


	4. Chapter 4

"Smells like shit." Was the first offhanded comment, and someone giggled by Eren, he wasn't sure who, but he kicked them anyway. He could register the scrape of feet, a coat being slipped off—the living room lights switched on and Eren grimaced.

"Jesus fucking Christ—"

"The haters gonna hate, hate, hate~" Connie croaked, and Sasha, of course, piped in.

"And the fakers gonna ffff..." She couldn't formulate a coherent continuation, and they all broke into uncontrollable shrieks of laughter. Levi was momentarily forgotten as they all ungracefully leaned on the person closest to them. 

"Shake em off~ I, I, shank him off—"

"Jeaaan, that's not how it gooeees."

"Yeah! It's, Taylor stop, Taylor stop wooh hoo hoo!"

Eren wheezed another laugh and shoved Reiner away from him, and after that round of laughter died away they all blinked through a haze at the dark figure still frozen by the entry way.

"Levi, my man." The brunet said through another laugh, throwing an arm over his eyes."Whatcha doin' here?"

"It's his _house_!" Connie slurred incredulously."What are we doin' here?" They all flopped down again in another fit, Levi was still silent, and they ran out of things to laugh about. Eren lifted his head up a bit when he heard a thud, maybe some stumbling, probably the sound of Levi having a heart attack.

A few seconds later."Erwin if you don't come over here this instant I will dig a mass grave in our backyard and machine gun the hell out of every living creature dwelling in my fucking house."

"Oooh!" 

"Shut up, before another Holocaust happens!"

"Oh nooooz!"

Eren couldn't remember what happened after that.

-

Fuck. Here it comes.

Eren produced an unpleasant noise at the back of his throat and rolled over, a half groan, half cry of pain.

"Shh."

"No—"

"Shh."

He vaguely heard, then groaned again."Ow." Was the meek finale. He rolled onto his back again and dug the pads of his fingers into his forehead, the pain absolutely unbearable."Fucking—why the fuck—I shouldn't have..."

He felt the presence of someone over him, a grip in the front of his shirt forcefully picking him up into a seating position, and even in his mind numbing hangover he registered Levi's brutal grip.

"Open your mouth."

"No." He snaps brattily.

His jaw was pried open and a pill tossed over his tongue, and he winced when glass clinked against his teeth. He took a gulp of water and attempted to open his eyes. Yup, that was Levi in all his frustration and glory."Morning, babe."

"Gross."

"I was talking to Erwin."

"Erwin isn't in here."

"Erwiiin."

A sigh."I'm here, don't worry."

Eren blinked hazily and grinned at Levi as if he'd won a million bucks. Levi in turn **_accidentally_ ** chucks the remainder of the water down the front of his shirt, holding eye contact without a blink.

Eren's eyelid twitched.

"Oops." Levi says nonchalantly.

Eren wipes his neck, throws his shirt off like it's nobody's business. Then he threw himself back into the warmth of bed and covered himself with his duvet.

A chuckle."Nuh-uh." Eren opened his eyes into the darkness that was underneath his blanket when he heard nothing for a moment, furrowed his brow when a slow trickle reached his ears.

"What the fuck?" He hissed when water seeped through the thick duvet, throwing it off of him. Levi remained standing over him, an empty pitcher in his hand."What's your problem?"

"Really, Eren?" Erwin says with another long sigh, massaging his forehead."Really."

"Whaaat." Eren says not so innocently. 

"You don't have a lot of options. Either provide an explanation, or provide an explanation, or, and inevitably..." Levi shrugged a shoulder and cracked a fist with pointed lack of concern, but Eren could see the furious way his complexion darkened. He paled in correspondence.

"I was lonely as fuck. You'd expect me to invite my friends over, yeah?"

Erwin opens his mouth, Levi snorts steam and holds his hand up to tell him to _shut the fuck up_ and let him personally deal with this excuse of a human."How old are you?"

"Twenty two." Eren narrows his eyes skeptically. 

"Where were you raised?"

"Up your mother's ass."

Erwin visibly flinched, grabbed the nearest object of defense and shut his eyes as screams, bangs and thuds ensued. 

"You wanna repeat that?" _Crack_. Eren screamed again.

"Fuck yo—ahhh!" Whack. Smothered screaming. Another loud sound of breaking that was either Eren's spine or the bed's.  

"Piece of fucking shit you don't bring your gang and shit all over my house—didn't even leave me a slice of pizza, you fucktardic turdy seaweed face."

"Hahaha—holy fucking shit—ow—owowow _Christ_ —" _Riiip_. "Erwiiiinnn!"

Oh. Right. Getting them off of each other. It cost him a nipped lip and a bloody nose, but he managed to settle things considerably. He was in one piece in the present, chest heaving as he sat in between them and tried to see things without doubling his vision."Whew—" He let out a snicker despite himself."I'm a fucking _lunatic_. Both of you? Why did I even—" He laughed the _I'm completely fucked holy fuck fucking fuck my life_ laugh. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> notice the intensity of accidentally.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That Eren rant is me  
> me all the way
> 
> also have you noticed that in most of my fics Levi's special attack is jaw ripping?

Levi was satisfied with having Eren kick all his friends out, clean and fix his mess back to the spic and span, as Erwin left for a much needed walk. He lounged back, pulled out his laptop, and watched as Eren cursed the stained floors and dropped down on all fours to attack a stubborn patch of grease.

"Piece of fucking shit Connie and Jean--fucker said it would be rad, asshole son of a stripper on a pole slut with a whoriffic dad high on dynamite MOTHERFUCKING OEDIPUS SHITSTAINS PISSED AND DRIPPED ICARUS'S SHITTING WAX WINGS ON JESUS CHRIST AND HIS FLOORS--" Each slam of the cloth to the tiles was punctuated with something that would come out of a very angry Mythology teacher's mouth, and Levi was impressed at the brat's knowledge as he watched him twitch in rage on the ground. 

Not bad. He had the type of ass that was not necessarily huge, but round, round and probably comfortable to sit on. Not as beautiful as Levi's ass, but kid might be able to slot in for second place.

Really beats Erwin, though. Erwin had the type of ass so firm and muscled his pants might explode one day. Levi continued this awkward and a bit obscene conversation in his head as he pulled up a game of 2048 dog, occasionally looking back up to evaluate the Jaeger booty and back and such. Dammit, Erwin really did have a reason to tap that.

Erwin and his fucking eyebrows, getting the best boys in town. Levi angrily smashed his keyboard and lost his game. 

"THING CAME OUT OF CLEOPATRA'S CUNT BITCH STUCK IN HER DAD'S ASSHOLE--"

"Oi!" Levi threw a cushion at him and nailed him in the ass."That's disgusting."

Eren twitched again, head slowly turning back to reveal blazing eyes in a dark mass that was his face, baring a white snarl.

Levi sucked a breath between his teeth."Continue, why don't you."

-

Eren was too tired to do anything but have an extreme cuddle session with Erwin that night and rant faintly into his chest and convulse every now and then when a streak of anger hits. Erwin ran his fingers through his messy head until he could tame him enough to sleep, got punched in the jaw when he successfully _did_ put him to sleep (because in Eren's state of unconsciousness he was mistaken for Levi), and by the time it was morning Eren was so fucking horny they didn't get out of bed until it was way past noon.

It was Eren's turn to strut ( ~~limp~~ ) downstairs with his own accomplishments ( ~~a ravaged neck)~~ and smile smugly at a moody looking Levi. 

Erwin stole a kiss from the said moody man at the table, got a knife pressed to his throat as Levi calmly sipped his tea."I'm allowed to call that sexual assault."

"I'm your _husband_." Erwin says with a roll of his eyes as he pulled away, but that only worsened it.

"Doesn't give you permission to rape."

Erwin smiles drowsily as he twists the tap open and fills a cup of water, Eren ignoring them both as he pulled out his cornflakes."You'd like it anyway, darling."

He didn't.

There was a snapping noise, maybe the cup hitting the table, maybe the knife flatly hitting Levi's thigh in preparation, maybe the sound of Levi's last fuse popping.

Erwin was pressed up against a wall with the knife settling comfortably underneath his Adam's apple, Levi attractively pinning him down and glaring up as he dug his fingers in his jaw."Erwin, if I don't want to fuck, then I fucking won't, be it you or any other asshole."

Erwin swallowed, but it only cut against the knife."Of course, baby."

Levi took another moment to squeeze the hell out of his firm jaw and quite possibly break it, let him go in the end, tossed the utensil into the sink."You gonna sew some patches on my bathroom curtain or buy me a new one?"

Eren's brows twisted in irritation and he held up a hand as he chugged his milk."How about you just suck it up and use the other shower or something? I'm sort of, too busy for you."

"Really? I thought you got to skip school whenever the hell you wanted just because Erwin spends too much on you. Isn't today Tuesday? Isn't it almost two?"

Eren just dismissed him with an annoyed flick of the wrist and dragged himself to the table, wincing every now and then." _Ow_."

Levi might've been disappointed at the lack of fight. Like, come on, the useless thing was the most irritating thing in his life--but what was the point if they wasted a minute in fucking peace? He tossed the empty box of cornflakes at Eren's head as a final attempt of riling him up, but Eren only grunted in surprise and flipped him off. Erwin sighed into his hands.

-

After Eren finally had had it with the insufficient state of everything--his clothes, fucking teddy bears, some much needed electronics and games to put the untouched Xbox 360 to use, he nagged at Erwin till he caved in and dedicated his day for all of Eren's massive needs. By the time Erwin had been bombarded by rabid fangirls, photo raped, and had given autograph's to about the entire female population of the united states, Eren was absolutely done with them and decided to be a snarky bitch to whoever approached. He stomped around the mall and smart mouthed all the girls till they nearly cried, loaded Erwin with so much shopping bags it was all he needed for a daily workout.

He grabbed the biggest Winnie the Pooh teddy bear he could find at a plushie store, raided the chips and ice cream aisle in Walmart, cleared all the onesies from their aisle, too. Erwin had to halt a moment and fit him in a suit in preparation for an upcoming interview that Eren was still trying to convince Erwin to cancel all together, and they stopped by for poutine and pop later. 

Eren was lazily sipping on his coke and resisting sleep on their way back while Erwin started another 'you can't miss that much school' rant."I thought it was your fault I had to miss school tomorrow." Eren grumbles with an accusatory tone. 

"Okay that's--only tomorrow. You can't even use that as an excuse anymore."

"Why didn't you delay the interview until Saturday? You _always_ do that to me."

"Levi has classes this week--it would be inconvenient to--"

Eren twisted in his seat."Levi's coming?"

"Oh. My fucking god." Erwin sighed, ran a hand through his hair. Pondered how much like a whiny bitch he just sounded."Yes, Eren, this isn't just about you."

"Wait, wait a second." Eren made useless hand gestures."You doing the thing where you--put us in some fucking suits and want us to sit there by each other on tv and smile at each other and pretend to be best friends for the sake of 'our shitty husband'?"

"No one said anything about that--I mean, unless you wanna explicitly describe all the terrorizing you two have been doing to each other and completely tarnish my reputation."

"Erwin, I'm not going to be nice to him up there. I don't care if you're going to be fired out of the fucking studio, but I ain't pretending to be his homie."

"I'm asking you to act like a grown man--you'd obviously be lying if you said you two had no issues, just, understate everything."

"How?"

"Like--" Erwin sighed."'Of course we differentiate about things every now and then, but we both understand what we're in', you know, that sort of formal and _mature_ way of speaking."

Eren folded his arms over his chest and stared out the windshield in thought, running his tongue over his front teeth."What if he insults me."

"Levi knows how to pull a facade."

"What if he _insults_ me?"

The blond paused, gave Eren a look out of the corner of his eye. He shrugged a shoulder in a unconcerned manner."Then you can start your god awful five your old fights."

"Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyone buckling up for that interview. Or betting the chances of it coming out a success


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how to convince yourself you don't like him in a suit: you don't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sad
> 
> I watched No.6 thinking 'cutie patootie booties' then all of a sudden it turns into something sorta like a DISCONTINUED FRICKEN REINCARNATION FANFICTION WITH A DEAD AUTHOR THAT LEFT IT AT THE NOT BEING TOGETHER PART
> 
> goodbye world

Erwin had woken up optimistically. Erwin had continued being optimistic when Levi gave him a good morning kiss without pressing a knife to his throat. 

Erwin had been too optimistic.

After a rowdy morning of tea boiling over the stove, coffee machine whirring, boys pounding up the stairs and down and hogging the washrooms and looking for socks and angrily smashing around in their rooms, they were _nearly_ ready to head out. He occupied himself with a tab of gum as he lounged in the living room, fully dressed, waiting for Eren and Levi to make some progress and make it down or something.

Eren was having a really painful time tucking his shirt in perfectly, attempting vainly to knot his tie, and to tame his hair, frustration giving him a gorgeous outraged complexion like Erwin later noted. After rummaging through his messy shopping bags for the sleek pair of Prada Oxford's  he'd bought the other day, he finally stumbled out. Luck or fate or the devil does it that Levi comes out of his room the same time he does, and they have one of those moments you see in ads wherein eyes lock and brows twitch and erections sail.

To anyone else, it looked like envy.

 _More like coming to the sudden realization of your homosexuality after living your entire life believing you were a homosexual, but you know, not attracted to this type gay._ Eren thinks, shamelessly eyeing Levi like really good looking, good smelling restaurant food on it's way. He was partially glad to see Levi mirror the expression. He wonders if black and red really _were_ that attractive or if he'd suddenly lost a brain screw and appreciated that bitch. The outfit did deserve some credit, though.

Like, _only_ the outfit. Not like, he'd went through a million fucking plans of jumping that fucker in corner in the studio or something. 

Fuck. 

Eren is half pissed, half turned on by the smooth and casual transition of Levi's posture."That isn't how you tie a tie." He finally deadpans, taking a few stride towards him and pointedly yanking the teal fabric off of his neck. 

Eren tries to look irritated, but he probably looked confused more than anything as Levi nearly chokes him with it, gruffly twisting it in a knot. He gazes up at the still stupefied brat from underneath his eyelashes and runs his hand down his chest in a means of _smoothing it out_.

He got an unintentional shiver in return.

The shuffle of feet from downstairs made them both stand on edge, then quickly drift down the stairs. 

"Give me a moment." Erwin hums and trudges up the stairs, Levi grunting in annoyance.

"Hurry up, we're nearly running late."

After Erwin finally made his way down in his trademark gorgeousness, _abnormally perfect_ , modelling facade, there was enough awkward to strangle the blond bastard. That's when Eren realized he was simply veering away from their strange mood, which made it even more unsettling of a mood as they headed out. Levi couldn't keep _abnormally perfect_ from playing over and over again in his head.

Naturally, they fought over the front seat, but Erwin took none of their early morning bullshit. And that's how they ended up in the back, flinching from shoulder and knee touches, finally getting a questioning look from Erwin that went completely unanswered. The interview hadn't even _begun_.

It wasn't too bad, actually. Eren and Levi were kept a safe distance away, Erwin in between. He got asked the first load of questions, the weird, the funny, the ones nearly spurring conflict. A wave of 'ohhhs' went around the audience when the interview host blatantly asked which one was better in bed.

Erwin half laughed, half grimaced when he physically felt the glares digging into either side of his head. Being the suave motherfucker he was, it wouldn't be too hard to rebuttal."Well, the thing is...if I could find either of them outweighing the other in certain aspects, then I _would_ have chosen only one."

Different levels of whoots and 'burnnn' and 'lemme tip your scale over' and 'marry meee' rang out through the crowd as the host laughed in surprise. 

A girl in the crowd got on her feet."Fuck Erwin! You two should elope."

This time, the audience outrage was so messy and loud and _screamed_ potential murder that security was called in as soon as the first 'Oh, hell nooo!' was heard.

Erwin tried to look offended.

"So then, Mr. and Mr. Smith, how exactly would you put your relationship? Uneasy, maybe tense but settled? War zone?"

Levi thought her humor was shitty."We're _best_ friends." He flutters his lashes, hears a giggle when his sarcasm was caught on to. 

"I'd say we manage pretty well, quirks or not." Eren says as mature as he can with a nod, giving Levi a look because this how fake you had to look on t.v. Levi returned it with a smirk and a twitch of an eyelid that Eren easily read as disdain."It's no't like we weren't aware of what we were signing up for."

"Fuck Erwin!" That one girl shouted again.

"Shut up!" Someone else yelled back, and Erwin laughed at the open but small hate he was getting.

"You can do better Eren, you can do better!"

Security was back, and the program was nearly cut short. Eren stirred uncomfortably in his seat and tried to push her words out of his head. Definitely not just _one_ loose brain screw, then.

The conversation drifted once again to Erwin's successful career and whatnot, a safe distance away from the other two. That safe distance was quickly closing in because the hostess was a bitch.

"Levi, was it?"

"Yes."

"I've heard you're a graduate in professional ass whipping." Giggles."You know, the handy, unfair advantage over an averagely lean college boy."

Eren's eyes flashed when he saw the opening Levi had gotten.

"You mean Taekwondo?" Levi responds with a lift of an eyebrow."I'm not the type that preys on the weak. I don't teach a classroom full of teenagers self defense and become a complete hypocrite at home."

Fuck him. That _definitely_ wasn't the way Eren thought he would use that."I'm sorry?" He asks with a smile, giving Levi a look. Erwin's lips twitched, the crowd silenced, and Eren pushed every goddamned thought of _Levi looks good in a suit_ out of his loose-screwed mind.

"Need I remind you that you wouldn't last thirty seconds in a round?" Levi said through his teeth, in hopes of minimizing the amount of audience to this conversation.

"Do you want to fucking _go_? Considering you haven't really tried me in a round."

 "Break, please." Hostess grumbled, a fully done grimace replacing her cheery smile."Thank _god_ this isn't live."

"Make it quick." Director grumbles back.

A portion of the censored conversation was left unheard."...your stupid ass translucent face--"

"Bitch, you're practically a _bird_ house--"

Erwin pleaded things under his breath as they both leaned over him to continue provoking each other, the hushed whispers morphing into screaming whispers, incoherent growls and all those sorts of things.

The program picked up after the two ran out of ammo and the director was beginning to look intimidatingly pissed.

And again, the bitch was at it."I feel like I have a plausible and easy solution."

"To?" Erwin inquires.

"Well, the getting along thing. Levi and Eren should just get married and then you could all live under one roof."

"Hello again, marriage arranging fairy godmother." Levi shoots back, earning more laughs. He was _mean_.

"I think he means that, you can't force us to be in any way attracted to each other." Eren explains, but quickly shifts his gaze downwards when he realizes how much of a fucking lie that was. Levi cleared his throat.

No one noticed.

The _abnormal perfectio_ n versus _heart-achingly imperfect piece of shit_  war continued in Levi's head, as in another form it did in Eren's mind. Somehow, this occupation minimized further interruptions for the rest of the interview.

Then there was the Erwin being drowned in his popularity part, the part where they had to wait for him as he tore his wrist apart and the objects to be autographed kept coming, the part where they silently agreed to find a desolate corner in the studio and do something.

Like, punching each other to release the tension, cursing that annoying bitch and her stupid questions, or collectively grieving over the importance of their husband and how much of an inconvenience it is to their personal life. 

None of those options included rather begrudgingly kissing each other behind the clumped set where probably no one would find them in a hundred years (unless a police force were dispatched to search for them under the premise that they'd eloped because of a butthurt Erwin).  It honestly just started with them ranting non stop over every shitty thing they could rant about that for once didn't include each other, then Eren was suddenly shoving Levi against a wall and calling him and asshole but instead his now _unhinged brain_ couldn't stop thinking of the folds of Levi's suit and shirt and his already victorious smirk and then it went something like this:

"Why're you staring?" It was funny because Levi sounded like he desperately needed Eren to punch him in the face so they could go back to blissfully hating each other(and not arousing each other). 

"Why are _you_ staring?" Eren still looked attractively angry over nothing in particular.

"Rhetorical question." Levi hums. Eren's eyes narrowed, his hand still grasping the tie from it's knot as Levi just stared up at him and willingly let himself be pinned, and the fact that Levi could've twisted Eren around and smothered his face into the floor very easily was completely overlooked. Eren made a move to lean forward. Instantly grimaced and leaned away.

"What are we doing?"

"Sucking down pride and shit. And potentially face."

After another few uncertain moments and Levi hissing 'kiss me or kick me, for fuck's sake', Eren squeezed his eyes shut and mouth slammed way too quick, clumsy teeth clicking and all. Levi pinched his arm in a gesture that told him to stop being crazy, and he's gotta admit, he'd never kissed anyone before and inserted so much complaints in between each breath break. Hence the begrudging part. 

"Shit, quit biting so hard, you'll make me bleed--"

"Fuckface, I thought bites were attractive--"

"No, no, you're mussing up my shirt--"

"Hey, _no_ \--uh, Christ, never mind, that was good--"

"Mm--"

"Shut it _shut it_ you're loud--"

They jumped away from each other so fast when Erwin's voice reached them from somewhere near, talking on the phone from the apparent. They stared at each other, panicking and jittery.

"Fuck, what do we do?" Eren whispers, and Levi suddenly slaps him out of nowhere. Erwin rounded the corner just as Eren slams Levi against the wall, wincing and shutting his phone.

"Eren, _please_ \--" Erwin sighed."Look at what you've done to each other."

Levi sighs in relief when he realized Erwin had bought that. Eren makes useless hand gestures."Ah, dammit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smart, Levi.
> 
> Was that the most unnattractively written kiss, or what?


End file.
